In August 2019, the Prince who promised never to leave my side, died.
I began trying to make sense of a world that I didn’t recognize.
I had been wearing love’s glasses and my perception was still altered that way.
We had seen the world from love’s perspective
but I was now looking out from grief-stricken eyes.
His eyes had helped me to see my truth.
The way he looked at me, I knew I was seen.
Finally, I was allowed to play myself in the movie of my life.
My perception was changed by wearing his glasses.
I can never hope to repay the gift of his love’s experience.
Love was our essence together, not anything we had to do or say or change to make it better.
We became essential to each other, like air or water.
It was real and true and needed no words.
Our energies alchemized a Kingdom from prior our prisons.
We set each other free.
I thought I was finally home.
We created a whole new game and made up our own rules.
David and I gave each other permission fly as high as we wanted.
We both wanted to reach for the stars.
Until we met, we had both been with lovers that never really wanted to let us go.
There were always other things to consider and we believed their reasons not to take-off.
We recognized and honored each other’s craving for all of it.
Unashamed of our passions, we reveled in them.
If you are married to the right person it is the most amazing freedom you can ever know.
You have a partner in crime. Damn the rest of the world.
We went for the prize. He who settles, loses. He who dares, wins. Those were our mottos.
We could try anything, knowing we had each other to fall back-into.
We could leap because we were each other’s net.
It only takes a moment of Divine Love for you to be transformed.
My life with David taught me that Love has the power to recreate you
and alter your perception of the world.
This kind of Love touches you in such a way that you can never be the same,
and nothing less will ever do.
One moment of this kind of love frees your soul, forever.
It doesn’t matter if it happens for an hour, a day, or sixteen years.
Once Love goes that deep, time becomes irrelevant.
I had reached the heights of success in societal terms.
So had he. A lawyer. A doctor. Money and fame.
My dream, it turned out, was to be hopelessly in love.
My first transformation had been from an alcoholic to a successful lawyer.
Through that experience, I learned my life was an inside job.
If I had died, it would have been because I continued to believe anyone else’s truth.
I really do believe this whole Life is about pure, honest,
painful and ecstatic love and that everything else just keeps us distracted.
We need to be numb because we still hurt.
We hurt because deep inside we know we haven’t loved enough to really be satisfied.
But time is real in this world. And David’s ran out.
Like a spoiled Princess, I didn’t want our dance to end.
Like a petulant child, I demanded my own way.
For two years I had tried to bend the will of the Universe to keep it alive.
I didn’t want this or any next experience without him.
Truth be told, I didn’t know if I could see the same way without his glasses to help me.
I didn’t really believe I was a Princess, after all.
Someone changed the reel on my movie. Just when it had finally gotten so good.
All of a sudden, the life that I knew seemed irrevocably lost from my vision.
If you have ever felt like the scenes of your reality must be a dream,
try walking through the funeral service for your very own soul.
We had become One and I was saying goodbye to half of me.
This is sur-reality at its best.
It was like being unconsciously drunk again
and moving through the world on automatic pilot. I had no rudder and was lost.
Somewhere deep inside, I knew this was meant to happen.
That I am meant to transform again.
Then the lawyer label left.
Call it a Covid casualty.
I am now naked of the things and labels that defined me in the world.
Many days I can’t believe I wanted this experience.
I don’t want any more darkness to see more light.
I would have been happy to stop time and stay where I was.
The World is showing me a movie that doesn’t make sense.
And I’m not going to play a part in it.
Half a life never appealed to me and I won’t settle now.
I will create a new dance with the Universe.
This is another lesson. Maybe the biggest one of all.
With the aid of my lover, I learned how to write my own script.
I know how to fly as a co-pilot. All I need to learn is how to fly solo.
It’s time for me to write my happy ending.
This Fairy Tale will not end according to anyone else’s script.
Here’s what I know now:
I am on an eternal dance with the Universe.
I am on a treasure hunt to find mySelf.
Death is not real. It is another transformation.
It is only true when seen through the limited vision of our five senses.
Our love awakened in me more sensations than this world allows.
Each one of us is here to claim our sovereign right to live the life we chose.
Unless we give it away, no one can deny our Soul its destiny.
Everything else is an illusion of control that someone else is trying to make you believe.
I know I am free.
David and I have lived and breathed in that place.
And I will not call anything less than that home, ever again.
I have learned that my Soul is as wild and beautiful and free as I believe it is.
This is my life. My movie. My game.
Who is making the rules?
There are only a few Natural Laws of the Universe that really apply to us all.
The rest are a bunch of man-made ideas that will be thrown aside someday
like the Burgermeister in the Santa Claus movie.
We create our lives by what we believe.
And the Universe accommodates with its magic.
You are writing your own story, whether you believe it or not.
Come with me as I learn to fly solo.
I plan to fly high enough to find David among the Stars.
And I am just determined enough to do it.
This is my Fairy Tale and I get to have a Happily Ever After.
I invite you to come along as I re-create my Fairy Tale with life.
…and you have an engraved invitation to the Ball!
SONG: When I Look to the Sky, (Train)
Stunning. Poignant. Painfully honest. Focused.